by Amy Lignor of The Write Companion
The irrefutable queen of humor, Erma Bombeck, once penned a bestselling novel titled, Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession. How do you tell the difference between motherhood and the first oldest profession? Mom can’t leave the room after work and head for a hot bath and a glass of wine. Mom, after returning from a grueling day on the job has the fun tasks of cooking dinner, cleaning the dishes, helping us kids with our homework, AND having to listen to how Dad’s day went before ever even seeing that bathtub, or enjoying a much-needed glass of wine.
Motherhood isn’t for everyone. It takes stamina, drive, courage, a HUGE sense of humor, and a deep faith in God - or anyone else who’ll listen. So, with Mother’s Day upon us, you need to don your thinking caps and find the one gift that she would absolutely love besides the run-o’-the-mill flowers, candy, cards and, perhaps, jewelry (if said son and/or daughter has a REALLY good job).
There is no one on Earth who is loved more than a certain woman who lives in my home. This woman watched me day in and day out and put up with all my garbage through my psychotic teenage years without ever lighting a cigarette, or staring longingly at a length of rope. Can I attest to the wine? Nope. But being a Mom myself, I hope she did take a few slugs. God knows, she deserved it.
She is also a woman who says flowers, candy, and cards are a waste of money. So this year, I went the personal route (AND ahead of time, thank you very much. My Mom wanted two things for Mother’s Day: Alan Alda or, her own crystal-clean shower. You see, Mom has osteoporosis, and when you can’t bend very well to get every soap-slimed section in that shower spic-and-span, you get stressed. So, as the beloved daughter, the SOS pads came out, the cleaning materials and caulk were bought, the sweat dripped off my forehead, the cuss words came forth, but a clean shower was had. So, before the magical date of May 8th, that woman stepped into a shower that made her feel as if she’d gotten jewelry, after all. In fact, she stayed in there so long we thought she was going to come out with a mermaid’s tail or covered in fish scales.
Other suggestions to cut down the stress in your Mom‘s life:
1) Set your dog on the annoying neighbors who are disturbing Mom while she‘s trying to read, and have your big, beloved friend scare the pants off them so they’ll never return.
2) Protest in front of the cable company - medieval style, with torches - because Mom keeps paying for the internet and it never works.
3) Get Alan Alda - his wife MUST be sick of him by now.
4) If doctor’s frighten you Mom, accompany her to her next appointment. And, if the MD says something that makes her scared, take the blood pressure cuff off the wall, wrap it around the MD’s neck, issue a Xena-warrior princess cry, and squeeze. (If your Mom really loves you, she’ll meet you at the police station with bail).
5) The ultimate gift - the Jacuzzi. Even though you’ll race her to it, she probably has the cat trained well enough to trip you so that - even with the osteoporosis - she can enjoy it first.
6) Buy the case of wine and a box of straws. Maybe she’ll share. J And, if your Mom’s wish is for grandchildren, buy two cases and have a M*A*S*H DVD festival. (Hopefully, she’ll forget).
Now…for Father’s Day? Let me think on that, you may have to stick with that god-awful tie.
To all the women out there who literally make the world a better place…
Happy Mother’s Day!