Monday, July 11, 2011

Don’t Quit Your Day Job!


by Amy Lignor of The Write Companion


I never used to read the newspaper; it usually just made me sick as a dog.  My grandfather used to read the ‘Obits’ just to see if he was in there (our hometown was THAT boring).  My Dad had sports, and Mom had the comics.  My sister usually looked for “sales.”  Me?  I always thought it was better staying with the stories in my own head, considering the outside world was like one 24/7 nightmare.  (Not much has changed, actually).

However, recently I have become immersed in the police blotters.  I know what you’re thinking.  But, no, I’m not looking for my name to appear.  I am just amazed by how hysterically stupid some of our criminals have become.  Not that Al Capone was any brighter, mind you.  If he was…he never would’ve ended up in jail in the first place.

Since we’re so close, I had to share.  A man pulls up in front of a 7/11 in a truck he stole earlier in the evening.  Therefore, the license plates, etc. can’t be traced back to him.  He’s wearing gloves, a ski mask…everything a good criminal needs.  Happily, he carries no weapon.  In fact, the criminal was quoted as saying he just “wanted the money so he could buy some beer.”  So he walks into the store, says he’s armed, and steals the cash.  (He didn’t even think to take a six-pack with him).  Running out of the store, the man jumps into his truck but…the engine doesn’t start.  What to do?  He runs away from the scene as fast as possible, knowing that he should be safe because he left no “trace” of himself behind.  Unfortunately, there was one small thing he forgot. He’d taken his dog along with him for the ride.  When the police got there and found the Labrador, they were slightly amazed to see him wearing tags on his collar that stated the name and address of his owner.  Oddly enough, the police got there before the robber and picked him up.  Yes, he might have been a criminal, but at least he was a dog-lover, and that definitely counts for something.

A truck waits in the darkness outside of a bank’s ATM machine.  A woman drives in, takes out some cash, and the robbers go straight to her car and rip her off.  Unfortunately for them, they were a little intoxicated and from out of town.  When they got back into their truck to drive away, they jumped the curb.  This was no ordinary curb.  It was actually a type of small concrete wall between the bank’s parking lot and the FBI building across the street.  The truck was stuck dangling over the wall and the criminals were picked up very quickly.  What a shock!

There was a criminal who was going around small towns throwing chains around ATM’s and tying them to his bumper.  He would hit the gas, the truck would jump forward, and the ATM would be ripped from the cement as he pulled it down the street into a garage where the criminal would take out the cash.  Unfortunately, the criminal was so tired one evening that he threw the chain and tied it to his bumper, without even noticing that this particular ATM had a concrete slab that attached it to the bank, itself.  He hit the gas and the back of his truck was torn to pieces in the middle of the road.  He was so tired, he didn’t even try to run.  All he was quoted as saying was that he hoped his insurance would cover the damage.

Someone commit’s a robbery and rushes into the street.  Holding up the first driver he sees, he steals the car - without ever noticing there’s someone sitting in the back seat - and drives the car back to his own house.  The criminal gets out and goes inside, as the backseat passenger calls 911.  See that?  Cell phones DO come in handy once in a while!

An employee of a large company went into work one day.  She’d had a bad morning - it was Monday, after all.  When she grabbed her time card and tried to clock in the machine wouldn’t work.  Then, when it finally came down on her time card, it wouldn’t let go.  The woman literally destroyed the time clock - shattering it to bits.  Although she was arrested for destruction of property, she did find a whole new way to “punch-in.”

A robbery took place where the man walked into the store and began to pile cases of beer into his shopping cart.  When he went to the cash register, he - again, with no weapon - held up the cashier and said he was leaving with his beer no matter what.  Then, without thinking, he asked for two packs of cigarettes and paid for them with his credit card (which gave the police his name and address).  Maybe he’d already had one beer too many.

Back in the VERY small town I grew up in, a man walked into the local bank dressed in a Santa Claus suit for the holidays and walked out with some major cash.  This is one criminal who was never caught.  Apparently, he had a very Merry Christmas!

And, one of my absolute favorites, a person decided to steal security cameras off a building, yet apparently had no clue that as he was stealing them, they were taking his picture.  He was stunned that he got caught!  This was one for YouTube!  Say Cheese!

A man is running away from the police and jumps a fence.  Right into the center of a ring of pitbulls.  Suffice to say he jumped right back out and threw himself into the police officer’s arms.  Oh, yeah, jail is way safer.

It’s unfortunate that there are people out there in the world today who are so unbelievably stupid that they can’t seem to do anything right.  Education might be the way to go.  Even though these are people who aren’t exactly on their way to “Shawshank Prison,” they should definitely think about a career change - maybe, politics? 

Until Next Time,
Amy